Goodbye 2019- You Won’t Be Missed

Today marks the end of another decade in the 2000’s and I can’t sat I’ll miss it. 2010 started off what I can remember to be one of the most eye-opening, kicked-my-ass-into-adulthood decades I can possibly image. I guess it was supposed to be.

The Start of the Decade

2010- My asshat ex and I moved to North Carolina. I stayed for 6 months and moved back to New Jersey. Sorry NC, you ain’t for me!2011- Asshat and I got engaged. Followed by a sever decline in my financial life as well as the beginning of emotional and psychological abuse.

2012- I did some reflecting yesterday as I pulled cards for my monthly read for January 2020. Why holding crystal that I used to meditate with back in 2011/2012, I remembered my mantra, “I deserve all things in love and happiness”. I would recite this nearly 200 times a night as I meditated on my bathroom floor (the only quiet spot in my crammed 1 bedroom apartment). Thinking back to that crystal, mantra, time period of my life, and where I am as I enter 2020, I realized that the Universe did give me what I deserve- my Peanut was born that year. While the next few years proved to be the most challenging I’ve now realized that Peanut is the one that brings love and happiness to my life. Thank you Universe. 🙂

Halfway Through

2015- Asshat-olio was kicked to the curb and I lived with just me and Peanut. Most oldest son was on his own adventure with high school, learning to drive, and making friends. My Dad got really sick for last half of the year, and things went downhill fast. He spent his last Christmas in the hospital and when we didn’t see him for New Year’s Eve or Day, he got extremely upset with us. He threw us out of his hospital room, something that was extremely off-color for my Dad to do.

2016- I still had a really good position at my job, and I had some friends and two best friends. A few days before my birthday I said I wanted nothing from anyone other than to have my Dad home to spend my birthday with me. It didn’t happen his stay lasted longer. Eventually he came home, but his life was never going to be the same. In July of that year my Dad passed away on my parent’s anniversary. Within weeks of that, my car seized and I was left taking NJ Transit to work. Not awful, but certainly not ideal. Then the job I was commuting to, let me go. Again, not completely awful, because I moved to a different franchise, but still had to take public transportation. Admits all the changes, I lost my best friend- not tragically- just in a way where they didn’t want to ever speak to me again.

2017/2018- These weren’t awful years. But they were the ones where shit hit the fan and I needed to get my adult pants on. I switched jobs a few times. Once was easier on transportation, once for a better offer, another for my career field; being esthetics. 2017 also introduced me to one of the best humans I could have ever met- my “boyfriend”. He’s everything I am not and that really helped mold 2018 into the year where I got things in order. I compare myself to an unripened avocado. Bumpy texture that is firm to the touch. It needs to be left out for a day to two before it softens just enough to be eaten. If you left it over-ripen, it becomes too soft and dark spots form inside.

I’m really glad he was able to wait for me to ripen. He’s still my life and I am so very very grateful for that. He’s encouraged and supported every little task I’ve taken on, whether I’ve finished it or not. He’s one of my biggest supporters. He’s a great guy and I am very happy to have him a part of my family.

“Boyfriend” met me when I was just starting my spiritual journey. I went balls deep into studying crystals, tarot, manifestation, goddesses, and divination. He’s always been interested in hearing what I study- whether he believes it or not, I don’t know.

No this is not me. However, I chose to live vicariously through her.

It’s Not Over Until the Fat Lady Sings

2019- This year brought me to another job that had many, many ups and downs. Everything from owners, to employees, to pay- it has been all over the place. Even at this moment, I am looking to get somewhere with a career. You know… Do what you love bullshit. Sadly, I always love what I do, so I adapt well to daily doses of crap and chaos. Shhh… Don’t tell my oldest son that- he works full-time and goes to school full-time. {Insert proud mom bragging moment smile here}

The latter part of this year has really made me wonder:

  • Who am I?
  • How did I end up here?
  • Is my life supposed to be like this?

Not in horrible ways where I sit looking in the mirror and wonder how I became the drunken party mom serving liquor to teenagers that ends up winning a court hearing for involuntary manslaughter charges against me when three teens get involved with a fatal car crash. FYI- It’s a LifeTime Movie Club movie, go check it out! I just wonder about what.s happening in my life. Everything happens for a reason, I truly believe that we learn lessons from the things we simply can’t understand, but must everything be so freaking confusing???Here’s where my decade ends. Yet here is where another one begins. Writing about the past 9 years has actually made me feel a little better about what the future holds. Thinking, reflecting, and analyzing those years has helped me see some of the ugliest moments that turned out to be the best. Tears were shed while tapping away at the keyboard, but those are tears from the past. I’m not going to exclaim “New Year, New Me” or “New Decade, Watch Out” or some other cliche motivational quote.

All I can say is…

2020 can not start the way 2019 is ending.

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